This Picture Really Is Worth A Thousand Words

I have to admit, I was a little sad when I realized April Fool's Day fell on a school holiday this year.

Last year, my prank backfired. I tucked fake grilled cheese sandwiches into the big kids' lunches the night before, and I was so pleased with my ingenuity, I could hardly stand it. Then I picked the kids up after school and they both scowled at me and said, "Why did you send grilled cheese in my lunch? That's so gross. I didn't even open it."

Kids: 1, Mom: 0.

Of course, when I forced them to take a bite out of said grossness and they tasted cake and icing, they were appropriately sheepish. So maybe it's more of a tie.

I had plans for this year. Oh I had plans. But they all involved the kids being at school, and Easter Monday meant they were at home all day, which meant my feverish plots had to wait.

Enter: The Daddy.

Comparing Corey's prankster skills to my prankster skills is like comparing Chuck Norris to Napoleon Dynamite. Which is to say: The man is a professional. It's taken me 20 years to read him, and even now, I have to concentrate and use The Force to discern when he's trying to pull one on me.

But our kids, our sweet innocent children, they have little-to-no defense skills. Gentle naiveté. Trusting simplicity.

Suckers.

And so it was, Monday night, as I was cleaning up the kitchen, that Corey walked up to Connor and Natalie with a look of disgust on his face. He held in his hands a diaper, which wasn't entirely unusual since he had just put Kieran in the bath. But this wasn't just an ordinary diaper.

"You guys, you have to see this dirty diaper," he deadpanned.

The kids recoiled.

"No thanks, Dad. We're good."

"No really, it's so weird. It looks exactly like chocolate."

Stares of horror.

"I think it might even smell like chocolate," he says, opening the diaper and holding it out.

The kids started to back away. Horror has reached abject levels.

"In fact. ... I wonder...." he said, and then he put his tongue out and LICKED THE DIAPER'S CONTENTS.

Kids. Minds. Blown. Connor claps his hand over his mouth and dives over the couch. Natalie is stunned into utter You Did Not Just Do That.

"DAD!" Natalie finally shrieked. "YOU DID NOT JUST LICK THAT POOP!"

Corey simply stuck out his brown tongue.

Connor rushed to the bathroom to dry heave. Natalie screamed and ran down the hall, away from the insanity.

Corey followed them. "You guys! Seriously! You have to try it! It tastes just like chocolate!"

Teyla came running to see what was going on.

Corey repeated his stunt. By this time, I was laughing so hard, I figured the jig was up, so I grabbed my phone.

And I captured Teyla's expression.


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we celebrate April Fool's Day at our house.

We have throughly scarred our children. Our work here is done.

(In case you didn't attend a baby shower in the 90s, this prank is a riff on a disgustingly common game in which candy bars were melted in a newborn's diapers, giving the shower attendees a chance to guess if the fake poop with puffed rice was a 100 Grand or a Nestle Crunch. Because nothing says "Welcome to Mommyhood" like handing a pregnant woman a toothpick and a stack of diapers filled with nasty.)

(And a tip, in case you want to pull the same prank someday: Corey melted three squares of Hershey's and mixed it with some crunchy peanut butter with great effect. But if you use the microwave, the diaper may start to spark and melt after 15 seconds on high. So be careful out there.)