But the other day, as I cleaned crumbs off the kitchen floor (again) and put away the milk (again) and asked Connor to pick up his Legos (again), I thought to myself: Man, life is schooling me lately. I can barely keep up.
And it's true. Life just keeps coming. It's wave after relentless wave. Dinner. Bedtime. Laundry. Grocery shopping. Menu planning. Detangling Teyla's hair. School drop-off. School pick-up. Lunch. Dishes.
I'm not drowning. The past few years, I've simplified in big and small ways. No one is involved in a ton of outside activities. I only have two church commitments a month. We aren't navigating a crisis. I can stay afloat on these waves.
I just can't make much headway.
And that leaves me feeling a little silly, to be honest. There are days I glance at my mostly empty calendar and think, "Girl! You do NOTHING outside of the home. Why are you so tired?" And I have no solid answer, nothing that seems to hold water. I mean, I know woman who work full-time jobs in addition to raising children. I know women who have double the number of kids that I do. I know woman who blog daily (actually, I know dozens of you) who also manage to write books and attend conferences and do good and generally dazzle me.
If that's you, let me be clear: You amaze me.
Because I am exhausted just keeping the plates spinning here, in my little world. To be clear: I am happy and at peace. You might even say, I'm fulfilled. I'm not hurried or running crazy or fried crispy. I feel like God has taught me how to have margin, and it's a wonderful thing to have space to enjoy my life, instead of endure it.
But even with margin, my pages are full. Every drop of energy I have is used up by 9:00 PM. (And those are the days Corey is home. When he's traveling, I'm done by 5:00.)
Maybe I'll have more freedom as the kids get older. Maybe I'll have more energy as the warm weather returns. Maybe I'll have more dreams as God gives them.
For now, I'm just here, kicking and laughing and spitting out seawater from the occasional wave that slaps me in the face. Keeping it together, trying to stay afloat.
Anyone with me?
You are doing exactly what God has called you to do TODAY. He may call you to other things when your kids are older, but for now, you have peace because you are doing the most important thing. Hang in there. These years seem long, and it's really not fair, but when things feel easier the kids fly out the door.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, Shelly. You are totally right: I know I have peace because this is where I'm supposed to be. And I have faith that someday, I will make more visual headway each day AND I won't be quite so exhausted. Just looking at how much easier a day spent with Teyla is versus a day spent with Kieran, and I have hope again.
DeletePlus, I'm old. :-) The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be.
Seriously........it's like you are in my head. Me too :) I have 3, a pared down life and sometimes it's the repetitiveness of life that gets me. That has me taking naps during Blue's Clues (today at 1:00 :) and going to bed at 9:00. I'm wiped. I actually asked a friend if I should be taking iron supplements or what, something must be wrong because my life is pretty easy. She set me straight. Someday, huh...but for now, I will take today. These days filled with naps on the couch with my kiddies, dancing to fresh beat band and constructing pirate ships out of wagons and taking walks. Thanks for saying it out loud :)
ReplyDeletehttp://mommymomentswithmandy.blogspot.com/2011/10/to-my-heart-my-joy-my-adventure.html
My post about this life and feeling a bit tired :)
Great post, Mandy. We are definitely on the same page. Acknowledging the exhaustion of it doesn't diminish our joy. It's not complaining, really, it's just honesty.
DeleteI am. I have just one kid home and the other at scholl till 2.30 pm but once he's home my relavtively relaxed morning turns into a slide of emotions. And if I have a week full of catching up with family and friends we are in for meltdowns. I just realised that I need my quiet time at home because my kids deserve a relaxed me not an exhausted one from early afternoon that ends on a bad note.
ReplyDeleteThank you for these words that help me to understand that I am not alone. :)
ReplyDeleteTrying to stay afloat. I have these same feelings. I do the same thing over and over and over but my boys are worth it and boy do they bring joy. My husband gave me a pep talk just last night reminding me that my job is taking care of our children, loving them, teaching them. The dishes are never going to be done, nor is the laundry and that's okay (I keep telling myself this!)
ReplyDeleteI mean.
ReplyDeleteI am just so there, I can't even eek out words to say it. (Honestly? I think the lingering Plague has so much to do with it.)
I am just now answering emails from February 11th. I haven't indulged in my blog reader in months. I don't know WHERE my margins have gone.
I wish I had something awesome or inspiring to say, but yeah. No. I just want you to know I am there with you in this.
HA! Yes! I have ignored my blog reader for months now, which would have panicked me a year ago. But these days? I just don't have the energy.
DeleteAnd yes, totally, some of this is the illness. If I had true influenza, which I suspect I did, it's a lingering virus. I am better than I was, but I still have no appetite and I'm coughing (with my legs crossed). And I think some of it is cabin fever, too. I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting spring.
I think it's the season of life you're in. Things will change, you know, so stay afloat and enjoy it while you've got it. Every season has it's good points and bad points, and I think you seem to be enjoying the good points.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the perspective in this, E. I think you're right - much of this is life stage. My friends who have older kids smile at me when I talk about this, because they know it does get easier, at least in some respects.
DeleteI am enjoying the good points. But I'm also encourage to know: there are even more good points ahead. :-)
I'm with you! I have to daily remind myself that this is just a season...and some day I'll miss (at least parts) of this season. I think it is just the repetitive things that drag me down. Laundry to do. Every day. Meals to make. Every day. A kitchen to clean. Every day. And, if I decide to take a break from it, there is even more the next day.
ReplyDeleteUm, yes and amen. That is all.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog, and I love it/you already :P his post in particular spoke directly to me - although we are in differeent stages an dplaces in life, i feel the same...busy but satisfied! Thank you for putting my thoughts into such a beautiful picture (the waves)!
ReplyDelete