Our winter has been so wimpy. The sun is flexing its muscles. The crust of snow is disappearing. Last week, I swear I heard a song bird.
Problem is, it's only February 9. Even if an early spring is inevitable this year, it's not happening next week. Even though it feels tantalizing close, I still have to wait.
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A few weeks ago, I looked around at the chaos in my house -- Kieran balanced precariously on a chair, Teyla playing dolls with her hair askew, Natalie drawing next to the dirty dishes, Connor playing Legos and following me around like a puppy, asking, "Mom, you know what? Mom, you know what?" - and my heart almost exploded. Simultaneously, I thought, "I AM SO BLESSED! I LOVE MY LIFE!" and "OH MY WORD, WILL I EVER HAVE A MOMENT TO MYSELF AGAIN? I AM LOSING MY EVER LOVIN' MIND!"
I know we all feel this crazy tension. It's inherent to parenting in the 21st century. But lately, for me, it feels like it's been tightened to the breaking point. I have never been so in love with my family, never so thankful, never so aware of how much I love each and every stage my kids are in. At the same time, I have never wanted a break more, I have never felt so itchy at their constant desire to be with me. A few weeks ago, when I was feeling especially stretched, I pushed Kieran and Teyla out of my bedroom and shut the door in their crying faces and tried-not-to-scream, "Mommy needs a few minutes ALONE!"
I know, in just a few years, they will all be in school, and I will have more time than I'll know what to do with. (And if you know that's not true, don't tell me. Let me have my dream.) It will change even this year. Teyla will start preschool in the fall, which means I'll be down to one child three mornings a week.
But as desperate as I am for time to stand still, I am straining for a change of seasons. I don't need spring in all its glory, yet. I just need a cracked window, a bud on the tree, a whiff of earth.
My desperation is pushing me to look for babysitters who can watch Kieran and Teyla for a few hours each week, so I can have consistent time to myself. And I think it's working. Today, I have a sweet teenage girl here (which is why you are reading this) and thanks to the magic of Facebook, I've found a few girls at a neighboring college who are open to working up a schedule with me.
The idea of having an afternoon each week when I'm not on duty, when I can do whatever I want without worrying about cutting up apples/negotiating a fight/pulling Kieran off the counter? I'm so giddy, I can hardly sit still.
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Do you smell that? I think spring is on its way.
Good for you! When you are at that point of tension, arranging time alone is often the perfect solution so that you can revel in the positive side. I have been feeling so over-touched lately, thanks to Lily (almost 4) sleeping in our bed far too frequently and then wanting to be thisclose to me at all times. I'm going to Blissdom (!!) in two weeks and I am so ready. I know a few days away will give me new perspective and a readiness to dive back into the chaos and joy of my life.
ReplyDeleteYou will have SO MUCH FUN at Blissdom. Some of the best people there. I would love to go some year. Enjoy the break, Nicole.
DeleteMmmm...YES... my heart is full to bursting but GIVE ME AIR. Let me think long enough to send a two sentence email for work. The baby (toddler) is so sweet and fun and funny. But please stop trying to get the computer keyboard and mouse, and then screaming and temper tantruming when I don't let you.
ReplyDeleteDay & a half off of school late next week. Simultaneous "hooray for a lax schedule & hang out time!" and "everyone leave Mama alone for just 10 minutes!!"
I long to be one of those women who has a winter girlfriends' vacation every year.
I laughed at your description of the school break. EXACTLY! We have a Monday-Tuesday break later in February for Presidents Day. My husband will be traveling Sunday-Tuesday of that week. Which means I'll be trying to have extra fun for the kids while I'm extra stretched with no break at home.
DeleteHmmm. I'm thinking I'll make sure I get a babysitter for one of those days, if I can wrangle it.
Seriously, stop reading my mind :) I love this time with my 5, 4 and 2 year old SO MUCH but oh my, it can be a trying time. Every day I find moments where I want to weep for joy and then it seems the next moment I am weeping because if one more person says mommy or interrupts my thoughts/speech/actions I will lose my mind. Luckily, my parents live three streets away and my mother-in-law rocks! My hubby and I are off next weekend for a three day getaway in a lodge while my mother-in-law stays at our house. We go every year in February :)
ReplyDeleteThat sounds awesome, Mandy! Enjoy your time! We have no family nearby, and we've moved so often, I don't have much of a support system. I've learned to deal with it; after all, this is what I signed up for, and life has many more problems than never getting a break. But now that we're stabilizing? I'M READY!
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