Where Have All the Men Gone?

Where have all the men gone?

Specifically, the plastic, molded men that round out our dollhouse families and wear their v-neck sweaters with quiet resolve?

I have lost them. And I can't find them. And it's driving me CRAZY.

The dad from the small dollhouse went missing first. His absence is always noticeable. It's just him, his wife and his school-age daughter, and a rebellious dog who's been known to spend nights with a gang of lizards from the Little Pet Shop bin. But he always turns up. Usually I find him stuck inside a wayward cupboard or stuffed inside one of our many purses or backpacks.

But he's been gone since before Christmas, this time. No one has seen him in weeks. His wife and daughter have moved in to the party house next door, where two teenage girls live without parents, and a surprise birthday party is permanently waiting in the ceiling.

Then it was the dad from the Loving Family dollhouse (I will not mock the name, I will not mock the name) and his loss is much more serious, because now his two sons - one school-aged, one a baby who also has a twin sister, natch - have no adult male influence. The house is ruled by matriarchy. Mom, grandma, aunt, big sister, little sister, baby sister. You'd think that would just make the dad more popular. And it did seem to work that way, at least with Connor and Kieran. The dad was always the first choice for my boys when it came time to play house, and he was frequently co-opted to play war with the Transformers and Luke Skywalker.

But suddenly, he's disappeared. Gone. Poof.

It's creepy, I'm telling you. Because I've looked. OH I'VE LOOKED. I've unpacked and repacked every toy bin, every drawer, every shoebox. I've crawled over ever square inch of Connor's room (a common hangout for lost toys). I've looked in everyone's closet and in the TV cabinet and under every couch or chair cushion we have in the house. I've done everything I know to do. And so far, my search has produced lots of Legos and Cheerios but no men.

I know many of you might not understand this - "Toys go missing, Kelly. It's what they do." But it's torturing my organized, logical, neatnik self. They have to be here somewhere. The only other explanation is that Kieran threw them away and I didn't see them in the garbage before it was emptied. (Have I gone through the garbage bags before in search of something lost? You better believe it. I don't leave a man behind.)

But two men in a matter of weeks? I don't think so. Something is up.

Maybe it has something to do with the Wii we got for Christmas?